Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sterling's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
11:35 pm	finally well..i think(hope at least) that i've finally accepted that love dosen't matter. it makes no differnce at all...i used to be silly and romantic and think that love made a difference..."but i love you..." things like that...it dosen't..and i've known that for a while, but to know it, and accept it, are different things. i have been very foolish in my life, i've spent alot of time thinking that my loving someone mattered..but it dosen't, and it's good to know that now. it's "nice" but that's about it. it's also nice to not feel like i need to be loved. i mean, love for your family and friends, that can matter...but "romantic love"... in todays world...it dosen't seem to exist much, and if it does, it matters not at all...sad..but that's reality, not books...i guess i read too much..or take too much from what i read...either or. Current Music: shoutcast (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
9:04 am	weird well, i think i met someone else someone a bit older and mature for once she's nice and we have like, a ton of common interests. she's almost too good to be true i can't help but be paranoid and feel almost like she's a setup..:P tho, what that would mean, i have no idea it's too bad i so shouldn't have anyone around me and a good thing she lives even furthur away then any other i've met lol life still sucks, but i'm still alive...whoopie Current Mood: shitty Current Music: yes (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
8:07 pm	sick sigh, i'm uber sick, sick sucks, i wish i was either well, or would just get something horrible, and die from it..:P (Comment on this)
Monday, October 17th, 2005
4:24 am	weird well, i found e..or he found me, however you look at it, i was talking on vent, and i started to talk about something from muds, and he jumped on to see what i was talking about, and i went with him to help him, and there he was..lol, so funny. well, he lives like 20 miles from me, so he's trying to get me to "improve my life" or something.. shrug, we'll see.. Current Mood: tired Current Music: shoutcast (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
12:23 am	headache lol, i dunno why i feel like writing this, but..i just wanted to say i've had a horrible headache all day, and people are just making it worse, as usual. blah Current Mood: blah Current Music: shoutcast (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
2:04 am	odd whee i've found a tv show i actually enjoy..fancy that. so, i actually watch some tv now..too bad it's not actual tv, but..oh well it's fun it's also amazingly ironic but shrug..:P Current Mood: busy Current Music: shoutcast (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
1:49 am	lol well, i haven't written in here in forever.. lol, i was thinking about something n said to me a while ago.. she said, that she had met some sociopaths, in the hospital, and she thought i might be one also. i wasn't sure, at the time, but i didn't bother to look into it... from what i'd understood about a sociopath, it wasn't completely out of the question, that she could be right, as she often is right. just the other day, i was reminded of that, so..i went to look it up.. it's pretty funny, how when you see exactly what things mean..they change in your mind.. reading the descriptions of a sociopath...i realize several things.. but more then anything else, i realize exactly how our views of things just dosen't agree.. to find that...she sees me like that, would be a real blow, if my self image wasn't already dead. mostly, it just makes me laugh..in a sad way, to find out, that she thought i was like that...honestly, there's several things in the descriptions that do fit, but i can't see that most of them do. so i guess i can only just laugh...and sigh...pretty much what i do all the time now. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
4:02 pm	wow well, it's been soooo long since i posted my dad had open heart surgery.. seems he's already had one heart attack, and had a totally clogged artery. he's recovering now heh, that was alot of fun..to be here, alone, while that was happening. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
11:44 am	blah i can't help it..it sucks..:P i'm just crazy, i know that now. i had a dream about a mud zone last night..how weird is that...after all this time of not mudding... gah, i want to quit L2 now....i want to quit life, i keep doing this to myself.... i just want to excise that part of myself, that hopes.. hope is the worst thing possible that a person can do, to torment themself i hope that i have found yet another person...but i know i haven't.... but i still hope..why? so i can hurt more? yes...that's it. sigh hate Current Mood: angry Current Music: system f - out of the blue (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 10th, 2005
6:07 am	can't sleep again, i can't sleep..blah heh, i'm really enjoying my L2, but i'm also not, it's very odd.. thinking about n alot again..i see her posting, and i see her on aim sometimes... sometimes i msg her, sometimes i don't, but she just ignores me, when i do, so... caught up with an "old friend" from cs...that plays l2...she's cool...been chatting with her a bit...that's always fun... seems v blocked me on msn/etc a few days ago, noticed it, but didn't feel like writing.. also took me off her friends in game..shrug, that's fine...it's not unexpected...makes me laugh actually... hmm...it's weird how things are going ingame right now..been taking on more and more stuff for the "alliance"...pretty sure that's a bad thing, but i'm not sure how we can avoid it..it's fun anyway...frustrating..but fun. really really enjoying my dvd player...been renting a ton of movies...that's cool.. finally got to see a bunch of stuff that i haven't seen..but wanted to...heh..missing movies cause you're a shut in sucks! also been reading a ton again, that's really nice...missed that more then i can say... even if i'm not getting to read all the stuff i want, reading SOME of it, is enough..:) i'm strangely happy, yet very much not...it's odd...i guess "happy" isn't really the word.. it's more..content with life..i know where i'm at, i know where i'm going, and i know where it's going to end...like from the movie big fish."so that's how i go"...it's a comfort... i still think about not being alone, but right atm...it's not a big pressure...cause i know that it's just a fact of life...nothing's gonna change it, so i just don't worry about it... kinda makes me laugh too...cause the people that i talk to about it..(or rather, that talk to me about it) kinda...comment, and then back off, as they realize, that i'm correct...and nothing they can say will change facts... it's kinda like something from a spider book..where he says "subject change will occur soon" or something like that...and it happens...same deal..they say thier thing..then...kinda, just stop, and move on...hehehe...fun stuff haven't done my new years resolution yet..:( talked to my family around new years...a few of them at least..it's...odd..some of them are just..different..they wouldn't even know me...some of them were just kids...last time i saw them...like...i remember alyssa...was just born, when n came with me to the family party... and she talked to me on the phone...very well..knew who my sister was...etc...old now..:P didn't have a clue who i was tho... oh well...i wish i had money to just...go somewhere..do something...would be nice.. sigh, time to try to sleep again i guess. Current Mood: tired Current Music: placebo - scared (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 25th, 2004
6:34 am	hm opened the box of stuff i got from my folks... it was all..very thoughtful stuff....mostly stuff that i actually really wanted... book i really wanted...stuff i really really appreciate.... very interesting...prolly the best overall bunch of gifts i've gotten...ever.. i emailed n saying merry x-mas..wonder if she'll answer, prolly not.. already said it to v... the only thing i really want for x-mas...i am not getting..so other then that... it's pretty good... hope everyone else's is as good it's sad to be alone at this time of year...it's interesting...i've always heard that the suicide rates go way up at this time of year...it's only been this past few years that i've understood why that's true. it's also very interesting that i'm not suicidal right now...depressed again, yes.. but not at all suicidal...shrug, i guess most of my life is looking up pretty good..:) other then being alone, having no money, and no future. Current Mood: weird Current Music: joe satriani - flying in a blue dream (Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
2:49 am	bah humbug on that note... merry christmas to anyone foolish enough to be reading this..:) and happy new year, or whatever other holidays you celebrate Current Mood: tired Current Music: culture beat - take me away (Comment on this)
Friday, December 17th, 2004
8:53 am	weird hmm..can't sleep... tired...didn't do much yesterday... but i still can't go back to sleep..how lame... dunno why either...sigh, oh well it's odd, i'm really lonely...starting to get really depressed again..but...i'm also not... very odd..don't know what to make of it. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
7:41 pm	finally well, after my comp fried... i'm back online, trying to install what i can.. about to see if my old hd's are salvageable at all, or if i've lost everything...yet again blah (Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
9:31 am	well heh, i've changed my mind, and i think i'll still write in here... i missed it funny how that works... dunno how often tho Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
6:02 pm	one more thing those of you, who i currently care about, if..my caring about you is a good thing, should feel priviliged. cause the list isn't gonna grow... i've always been VERY good at doing whatever i focused on..and right now, i'm gonna focus on not ever caring about anyone else again...i'm tired of believing, i'm tired of hope. yes, i'm alone again, heh, it's funny, not one hour after breaking up with me, she's talking alot again to an "ex" and given him her stuff...but...she's not seeing him...and she's going to bed...only, she didn't.. and she is seeing him..according to him at least...or...she's just lying about it not being her...shrug, i guess it dosen't really matter much at this point, it's just annoying, and hurtful..but shrug, unimportant. so...again, i'm hurt(tho, not as much as i thought, cause i did see this coming) and alone... it's funny, cause i knew from the start, what would be the problem with this relationship...or, at least what would be the stated cause...and i was right..again...how sad shrug, lots of lies...the lies...made my questions of caring, feel like i was trapping her...at least, that's how it looks from here...maybe i'm wrong, maybe it's nothing like what it looks like...but, then again... i see what i see...and i've already encountered too many lies, to distrust what's in front of my eyes... yes, perhaps you'll read this v, and perhaps you'll be mad about it...but i'm sorry, this is what i see... and hey, i'm not supposed to hide stuff from here... whatever...i care too much...and am trying too hard, to care less... i love you...far too much it seems.... v...thanks for the good times...thanks for making me believe once more...it was nice while it lasted. and above all, thank you for helping me get past n...i'm well and truely over her it seems... people tell me, that "you'll find the right one yet" but shrug, i did...and i'm just not the right one for her... in fact, i found more then one of "the right one" and i wasn't right for either of them...so, i'm now more then ever, sure that i'm just not meant to be with anyone...maybe i should just stop caring, and be more like k...bah, i can't do that...for a # of reasons. oh well...good typing to you one more time lj... oh what fitting music..v you will know why...if you read this Current Mood: weird Current Music: The Calling - Wherever You Will Go (Comment on this)
11:38 am	mmmm well, i think i'll just say that i'm prolly not planning to write in here anymore... my life has changed alot... i haven't been writing in here, and now that things have changed again, i think i'll stick to that. i don't see the point, all it is, is a place for me to bitch, and write shit that dosen't make sense. at least, it only makes sense to me...on top of which, i don't think anyone reads this anymore anyway... so...regardless of if anyone does or dosen't, i'm either going to make a purely private journal, on my own comp, or just give up writing this stuff down. it's been..well...it's been. Current Mood: tired Current Music: paul van dyk - for an angel (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
11:56 am	hmm..odd you are steelblue #4682B4 Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up. the spacefem.com html color quiz well, i'm not all that sure that it'll come out, nor that it all applies..but hey it's fun i guess Current Mood: tired + odd + sad Current Music: dj doboy - megamix 13 volume 2 (3 Comments |Comment on this)
11:56 am	hmm..odd you are steelblue #4682B4 Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up. the spacefem.com html color quiz (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
1:35 pm	weird heh, we've made more friends..it's kinda nice.. we're pretty solid in our new clan...it's..weird...they are so much lower lvl, and less "competitive" then our last clan, but...much better people..it's a ton more fun..winning pk with them..is a warm feeling..instead of a like...i dunno..cocky almost thing... heh, admittedly, "our group" is the main group in the recent pk...we're on average alot high lvl then alot of the clan, but that's ok..it's fun now... things have really solidified with v and i...it's great..now i just need to stop being sick, get a job, and make some money. bah, eaiser said then done. well, hmm...she's just the best... like, she makes me happy...even through the frustrations...i just wish i had more time alone sometimes..heh, we're getting more of a like..group thing going here... bunch of us on alot...and it's nice..but sometimes we just wanna hang out alone..and we don't get to do much of that lately..oh well.. still..it'll be so much better once we live together.. happy...something i'd never have thought i'd be again... there's still alot of depressing thoughts...but..i think..i hope(isn't that scary) that i'm getting better..i'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..or something like that.. :P Current Mood: interesting + lonely Current Music: limp bizkit - creamer (Comment on this)